He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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