apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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