Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
