I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
barbara walters just said penis...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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