We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
