My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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