its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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