He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
