god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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