I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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