this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Shame is for Republicans.
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