She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
