I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
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