Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
