As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
