and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
