Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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