It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If I die, sorry about rent.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
