it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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