the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
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