Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
