Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I wish you could order shots online.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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