Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
