I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
