Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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