You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
