Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
