I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize