My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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