In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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