i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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