hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
