as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
