Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
