so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
