true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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