Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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