Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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