Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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