About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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