The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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