Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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