come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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