The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize