Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
