I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
