my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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