True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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