1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
