he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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