This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
and she was petting her beer can
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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