I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize