hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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