You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
