I am in a vortex of obligation.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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