1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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